I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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