The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
