this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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