i can't believe i had my finger in that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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