so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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