and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
