Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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