using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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