Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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