She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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