I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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