well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
