I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Boobs speak an international language.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
