guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
