Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
