I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
