I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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