I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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