When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The air taste purple.
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