I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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