I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
