My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
