I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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