neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
