He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
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we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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