I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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