do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're like the curious george of whores
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
