Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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