Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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