i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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