I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
