In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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