Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just want nice things and good sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
