Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
