It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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