just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
