i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
