Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
