i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
