I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
