I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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