I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
