my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
