I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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