This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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