I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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