nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
