im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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