I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
