'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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