Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well I just put wine in my tea
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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