my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
