I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
