i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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