btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
