It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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