My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
