Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
