I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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